Thursday, March 29, 2012

Ted Casablanca on Fifty Shades

This guy is truly moronic.  He just posts a bunch of nonsense ALL the time!  It's bordering on comical.  First read the article...and then read the comments.  They're hysterical...and right on the money.

And might I point out that E.L. James said the following:

"It's a romantic fantasy story...I don't see it as erotica. I see it as a contemporary romance," James explained to EW. She also elaborated on the racy nature of the read: "Yes, it's quite graphic, but when people fall in love they have sex. Well, actually, they have a lot of sex...It's for ordinary women who like some spicy sex."

Thank God. The voice of reason!!!

Friday, March 16, 2012

My Christians

Top row - Alex Pettyfer - the closest I can find to my book Christian.  (Check out the last shot of "Young Christian".  Awwww.) 

Bottom row - Armie Hammer - I think he should play Christian in the film. 

Both are quite tasty, no?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Fan Fiction Fun

Thanks to Jenn D - the first person I know to have read Fifty back when it was Master of the Universe - we now know about  THIS!  And it is absolutely hilarious!

What is this you ask??  This is fan fiction...about fan fiction!  LOL  Well...not really...It's really Fifty Shades Fan Fiction.  And we all know by now that Fifty Shades is no longer Fan Fiction!

Try to wrap your brain around that, mmmkayyy?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Fifty Questions

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you've read the whole damned series and are skulking around your house, finding meaning in nothing and wondering when they're going to come and take you away in the straight jacket. 

Oh the withdrawal is horrifying!  Why didn't anyone WARN me?!?  Even Diana Gabaldon's tremendous "Methadone List" can't help me now.  I am a mess.

So many questions...

WHAT does Mrs. Jones think of Christian's antics?  

WHO cleans the toys now? 

WHY is Mrs. Robinson/Mary Kay LeTourneau such a freak? 

WHEN is E.L. James going to write all of this from Christian's POV? 

HOW am I supposed to live without that I've been loving you sooo longgg...

(Sorry; rarely do I spontaneously break into Michael Bolton; I'll try to avoid that in the future.)

Seriously people...I need a chat.  I need a HUGE, MFing FIFTY CHAT with LOTS of people discussing all of this stuff that is swirling around in my head.

Where does Christian order all this kinky fuckery shiz?  Online, right?  Does he have it sent to a different name?  Who unpacks the box?  The man can't even make himself a I supposed to believe he owns a box cutter and knows what to do with said box once he's finished with it?  Ohhhh right.  Mrs. Jones.  Well come on now...does she unwrap everything and rinse and dry it and place it in the drawers and hooks where it belongs...and then scurry off to fold Christian's Calvin Klein boxers??

For the love of god, people...I NEED ANSWERS!

Worse yet...I NEED MORE FIFTY!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Voices Carry

(By 'Til Tuesday)

I'm in the dark, I'd like to read his mind
But I'm frightened of the things I might find
There must be something he's thinking of
To tear him away
When I tell him that I'm falling in love
What does he say?

Hush, hush...keep it down now...voices carry

I try so hard not to get upset
Because I know all the trouble I'll get
He tells me tears are something to hide
And something to fear
And I try so hard to keep it inside
So no one can hear

Hugh, Hush...keep it down now...voices carry

He wants me...but only part of the time
He wants me...if he can keep me in line

Hush, hush...keep it down now...voices carry

He said shut up
He said shut up
Oh God, can't you keep it down
Voices carry

I wish he would let me talk

Fifty Newbies

So I just came across this fun article over at Maryse's Book Blog and I feel...kindof...guilty!

The article is about Fifty Shades going mainstream...and how now, the women who loved it as "Master of the Universe" are slightly annoyed that the cat is out of the bag.

Normally, I'd think "Well tough!  We love Christian, too!" But - I this instance, I kindof agree with them!  Let's face it; I'm a newbie!  Jenn D was telling me to read this back when it was being posted one week at a time...and I didn't do it!  So yeah...I guess I deserve to be given the cyber stare downs in this instance.  I'll admit it for all the world to see:


Make sure you read the article.  Maryse echos my sentiment about Dr. Drew and the media and how they don't report on the evolution of Christian Grey from an emotional standpoint.

I've said it before - I'll say it again: READ THE BOOKS!

Friday, March 9, 2012

I'm Finished! What Now?!

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy!

Sigh.  I'm finished.  WOW.  I can't say ENOUGH about E.L. James and this absolutely beautiful trilogy.  Seriously - that's the best word for it.  The characters...the plot points...the flow...the structure...everything in this series is spot on fantastic.

I can't REMEMBER the last time I enjoyed a series this much.  I'm thinking probably The Bronze Horseman...but that was much more serious subject matter.  This series - while deep and thought-provoking - was also juicy and fun.

OK...who didn't know Christian would be an adorable dad?  I felt so bad for Ana that she would have to endure 9 whole months with his attitude.  Lorddddddddd that must have been the longest pregnancy on the planet.

I have to admit:  Christian's feelings and conclusions on Bitch Troll Mary Kay LeTourneau...Hmmm...I'm not really down with them.  He "found himself through his submission to her"?  He "found the strength to take charge of his life"?  :::BUZZER SOUND:::  I just don't see it.  Elena was a child molester; plain and true.  Christian could have found love as a teenager with a 16 year old girl...and could have finally started to accept himself years earlier - the way he did with Ana.

COMMA HOWEVER - that doesn't mean I have a problem with the way he was living his life before - or after - he met Ana.  "Consenting adults".  That's the key phrase here.

I'm intrigued about the psychology behind all this BDSM stuff...and have a zillion questions.  Are people able to shift from Dom to Sub after years of being one or the other?  Do they think about their daily life the way they think in the playroom?  Is it really that easy to leave the handcuffs and riding crops in the playroom and go attend soccer games and the fourth grade play?  I could go on and on.

I'd love to know the ratio of BDSM practicing people who have no issues - to BDSM practicing people who do what they do because they have a zillion issues. Let's face it:  Some indulge for good fun...while others indulge because they hate themselves or hate others.  It's absolutely fascinating.  I swear, I'd almost like to go back to school and get a masters in Psychology - just to study this!

I have a ton of stuff to say and highlights to mention...but my brain is fried and I sortof have to go mourn the end of this series.  I'll definitely blog more tomorrow.

I would, however, like to post two open letters:


I can't thank you enough for writing this wonderful series.  As a person who runs a certain vampire series website - I know your inspiration for the characters - and let's face it, EVERY AUTHOR has inspiration for his/her characters.  I am thrilled you took the time to dream up such a wonderful piece of literature that has touched the masses, no matter what drove you to do it.  And this series is about so much more than "Guy meets girl - Guy spanks girl - Guy marries girl".  I love to dissect people...and issues...and life in general - and boy these books certainly gave me a chance to do just that.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart.  What a fun ride it has been!


It scares me that you are in the medical field and use the term "Doctor" and don't realize that there are people in the world who use role play to enhance their sex lives.  If you've read the book(s?) yet, you should know by now that the character of Ana had the upper hand in the entire series and was happy in the bedroom (or the playroom, for that matter.)  You would also know that the books are about the EVOLUTION of a man who had a horrid young childhood.  He OVERCOMES his obstacles with the help of a woman who shows him unconditional love.  Period.  The fact that you have tried so hard (with your multiple television appearances; good PR much?) to turn it into something dirty or abusive makes me truly sad for anyone who listens to your advice about sex and loving relationships.

With ALL of that said...I am going to go start on a FREED playlist...and hit the hay.

Until tomorrow...

LOL Couldn't Resist

The Home Stretch

SPOILER ALERT:  I have like 20% to go in Fifty Shades Freed, y'all.  Get ready. 

All I know is that she let them put the money in the trunk...and BITCH GOT IN THE CAR!!!!


Oh man...I hope Christian beats the snot outta her for this!

More later!! :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Didn't See THIS Coming


Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!  Jack's got Mia...or SAYS he has Mia...and DUMBASS ANA is taking 5 million dollars (5 MILLION dollars...5 million DOLLARS) out of the bank...and the bank manager called Christian...and he asked if she was leaving him...

AND SHE SAID YES!  ohnoohnoohnooooo!  I don't know whether I want to beat her - or hug her - right now!!!  Why isn't she telling Christian??  Everyone knows you don't let the kidnappers have the upper hand!  You can't handle this alone!  What if Jack doesn't even HAVE Mia??? But what if he DOES???

And girlfriend's got a revolver tucked in the back of her jeans like she's Tommy Lee Jones in any number of testosterone-laden films.

OHMYGOD!  Little Blip, you'd better hang on tight because there is going to be some SERIOUSLY KINKY MAKEUP FUCKERY going on when your daddy finds out your mommy lied to save his sister.

HOLY SHIT and I was just complaining!  Don't get me wrong - Christian and his antics are still on my LAST nerve (I mean, really...not talking to Ana when YOU'RE the one who sought out Mary Kay LeTourneau after your fight?!?!  Boyfriend - grow the fuck UP).  But this is even better than when he showed up in Georgia!

All Better!

SPOILER ALERT:  I am starting Chapter 20 in Fifty Shades of Freed.

And just when I'm annoyed at Christian, some major drama goes down and I'm happy as a clam. 

1 - She's knocked up.
2 - She found the text from Mary Kay LeTourneau on his Blackberry. 
3 - getting good. 

Yup.  I'd say I'm about as mercurial as Fifty right now.  Mmmm hmmm. 

Houston, We Have a Problem

SPOILER ALERT:  I am suffering through on Chapter 19 in Fifty Shades Freed. 

Uh oh, y'all.  I am not thrilled.  I have this nagging feeling that is irking me and I don't know what to do.

I think I'm getting tired of Fifty.  (GASP!!!!!!)

He is just such a baby - about everything!  Dr. Flynn is SO not kidding when he says he's emotionally an adolescent.  Oh my GOD. All he does is bitch at Ana...for everything!  Every time she turns around, he's mad at her for something.  And don't get me wrong...she antagonizes the crap out of him.  You know he wants you to stay just stay in!  How hard is it?  Wait til things blow over and then go out with Kate!  But - his freak-outs and non-punishment punishments are just starting to add up in my mind...and he's becoming way too high maintenance.

And don't get me started on Leila and Susannah (AKA The Sub Club.  Kindof catchy, no?) showing up at Ana's office.  She's an idiot for talking to Leila (although Susannah actually seemed kindof cool).  BUT - I have to give Ana some credit, here...she's protecting her own.  She wanted to talk to Leila to find out what the hell she wants.  I couldn't blame her. BUT - the minute I realized she was really trying to get to Christian, I would have had security throw her out and I would have called him and told him she was gone and to meet me somewhere.  I would have done everything in my power to avoid him seeing Leila - because Leila was just using Ana to get to him.  And here Ana is feeling sorry for her.  UGH - woman, please.  That looney ex sub would walk over your grave to get to Christian; WAKE UP.

Anyhoo...I'm just sick of him and his drama.  And the good sex (which always involved her being tied up these days) is starting to be something that isn't worth the hassle.  At this point, I swear to you, I think I would break it off and go date Jose!

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me that will make me eat my words?  I sure hope so.

And PS - ENOUGH with "Oh yes, Mrs. Grey" "What would you like, Mr. Grey?"  Ugh!  Blech! It's just a huge ball full of CHEESE!!!

And Post Post Scriptum - Hey Ana...GO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMNED TEA!!!!! ;)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Long Term Relationships

Hey longtime married friends...

When you're reading Fifty Shades...and you once again see Ana say "Will I ever tire of this?" you ever find yourself thinking, "Yes.  Yes you will."  

ROFLMAO.  Sorry.  Couldn't help it!

Careful What You Google!!!

I had an incident that left me very shaken this morning.  Instead of retyping it here, I'm just going to share with you an email I just sent to one of my friends (give or take a sentence here or there), describing the aforementioned incident.

I look forward to your comments with great eagerness.

OMG what a story.  I write book review blogs and have recently been reading a book that dabbles in S&M.  (It's on the NYTimes Best Seller list, I swear!)  Of course I HAD to google "butt plugs" last night...because they were mentioned in the book...and damnit, I had to see one!  Tom and I had a dandy time perusing the offerings.  The best part of the story is that I met a neighbor for coffee this AM as we are involved in a business together and had things to discuss.  Let me mention that he is extremely conservative.  So...I whip out my iPad and open these photos on Picasa for him to look at while I'm ordering my coffee.  While I'm ordering said coffee, he tries to stop the slideshow from going so fast, inadvertently opens another window...and wouldn't you know it?  My Google search history opens...with "Butt Plugs" being number one on the list. I saw it all happening in super slowmo from the front counter and could do nothing to stop it.  (insert person running in slomo with extremely lo slomo voice screaming "noooooooo").  Let me just tell was not fun talking my way out of THAT!!!!!  ROFLMAO!!! I'm still shaking!! 

Monday, March 5, 2012

Oh No She Di'nt!

SPOILER ALERT:  I am at the beginning of Chapter 4 in Fifty Shades of Freed.

WHY is everyone so bitchy about Christian being so hot?  Jeez - I just told the girls (LOL probably the only ones who read this!) that - if I saw a ridiculously hot guy - and an ordinary girl who was being nice - I'd be even nicer to her because I'd be thinking "You GO girl!  Get DOWN with your bad self!"

Every time I read "Gaston" I see this --------------------------->
Even while he's driving the car.

The fucking fact that Christian is now inspecting Ana's red marks on her ankles and wrists - the red marks HE inflicted with the handcuffs - makes me deliciously giddy...because it's SO Edward.  Remember when Bella was black and blue after their night of non-sex sex?   Remembering that makes me giggle even more.  I keep telling my friends that this book series is a reward to every Twilight fan on the planet who sat up and said, "FUCKING FEATHERS?! THAT'S IT?!?"

Another reason I love E.L. James:

"My inner goddess looks up startled from her Jackie Collins."  

Could I have laughed any louder than I just did?  No, no I could not.

UGH.  This is the first time I've been annoyed with Ana in the whole series.  OK so Christian just finds out someone set fire to his server room...and he's in the office (on the yacht) on the phone.  She hangs out for an hour - only an hour - gets bored and decides to go shopping.  With Taylor.  ON THE JET SKI.  And she tells him she's going...but doesn't mention the jet ski.  Now - first off - I HIGHLY DOUBT that Taylor would OK this without getting direct confirmation from Christian.  Second - WHAT THE EFF is her problem?!  He's got a major CRISIS going on...and you can't effing HANG OUT ON THE YACHT for a while?!?  Seriously - if she needs this much attention, we're going to have problems down the road.

I know I shouldn't be bitching because SHE could very well be the one who is going to get kidnapped; not him...if my latest theory is correct.  In fact - the fire could be a way to distract Christian.  Who knows.  But seriously - she is being SO SELFISH.  He is going to flip when he finds out they went on the jet ski; and rightly so.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Two Down, One to Go!

SPOILER ALERT:  I just finished Fifty Shades Darker and plan to start Fifty Shades Freed any second.

Holy mother of god on high.  WHAT a roller coaster.  I am having the most fantastic time with these books!  I have to throw out a HUGE APOLOGY to my cousin, Jenn D, for not listening to her when these suckers were fan fic and she was having fun with her online buds, including EL James, Herself.  My bad.  Absolutely.  I will never not listen again!!! :)

That said - where to begin?  Mrs. Robinson is a BEOTCH and showed her true colors at Christian's birthday party, did she NOT, y'all?!  WOW - I was SO HAPPY he got to see what a complete IDIOT she is.  TYPICAL MAN - he's been so swayed by her BULLSHIT all these years.  He truly thought she was his friend.  WTF?  And WHAT is with her encouraging him to go see Ana in Georgia?  That little morsel doesn't add up.  Except to say that maybe she thought Ana - and more importantly, Ana's MOM - would think he was a burrito short of a fiesta platter for flying 3,000 miles to see her when he barely knew her.  C'mon - it HAD to be some attempt at sabotage.  That woman is batshit C-R-A-Z-Y!

OK - next -

Dear Dr. Flynn,

Is there some reason you haven't put the kabash on Christian's sick, effed up relationship with Mary Kay LeTourneau yet?  She never came up at your meeting with Ana...and you've been more than happy to attend functions where she is a guest, such as the charity event and Christian's birthday.  Could you please 'splain to me how you think this is acceptable and not a hinderance to his recovery?  

What?  Need a century to explain yourself?  No worries; I've got time.  

Oh and also - I think you're therapy technique is for shit.  Even my 9 year old daughter knows you have to confront your demons so you can conquer them.  All you are doing is helping Christian to swipe his past under the rug.  And at some point, someone is going to pick that rug up to give it a good beating (whoops! giggle) and all that shit is just going to come pouring out.  

Might I inquire where you got your degree, Sir? 

(Non) Fondly, 
PS - How much is he paying you for a big, ol' pile of JACK SHIT?

OK y'all - I'm starting Freed.  Wish me luck.  We all knew Jack wasn't going away quietly.  I woke up this AM thinking about that helicopter and knowing there was no way it had problems without someone inflicting them, purposely.  Now I know.  I didn't think he had it in him.

My predictions have been less than stellar thus far as Christian didn't end up in jail and doesn't have multiple personality disorder.  My latest is that Jack is going to have him - or Ana - kidnapped.  Or maybe Elena.    Guess I'll just have to read and find out.  :)

PS - THAT HOUSE! OH my god I love it.  I don't blame Ana; I wouldn't want to knock it down, either.  How AWESOME was Christian for finding it on his own and presenting it to her like that?  Damn.  Did Ana just fall right on into the high life or what?!?

Saturday, March 3, 2012


SPOILER ALERT:  I am on chapter 17 in Fifty Shades Darker.

Here are questions that have been going through my brain today.  Please don't answer any of them if I'm going to find out later!  (I have more issues with spoilers than Fifty does with his crack whore mom.)

Leila: How long was she with Fifty?  Was she one of the ones who lasted longer than 3 months?  And if she was his sub - and only there on weekends - why was she putting songs on his iPod?  I'd have been terrified to get in trouble

Mrs. Jones:  How many subs have been around since she started working 4 years ago?  Doesn't she think he's a freak?

Mrs. Jones:  Does she clean the Red Room of Pain?  I repeat: doesn't she think he's a freak?

Mrs. Jones:  Where the hell is Mr. Jones?

Fifty:  Does that dumbass think a stupid contract is going to forever keep quiet 15 women who obviously have a lot of issues that are pretty much guaranteed to predispose them to snapping at any time?  (shakes head)  Damn fool.

And for the love of god...MUST FIFTY yank Ana's hair every time he kisses her?  Touching...stroking...combing with fingers...all yummy and welcome.  But "fisting his hands in her hair" and pulling her head back?  That shit hurts worse than the spankings!  Get OFF my HAIR!! ;)

SHOP Fifty Shades!

The Fifty Shades of Purgatory shop is HERE!

Love in an Elevator...

SPOILER ALERT:  I am on page 1 of Chapter 12 in Fifty Shades Darker. 

Did you laugh when Christian was yelling at Ana about her boss and non-New York trip via email...and then Ana was yelling at Christian about her boss and New York trip via email...and then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mary Kay LaTourneau was emailing Ana!  Whoa.  I haven't laughed that hard in ages.  My family thinks I'm crazy.  I seriously lost it; twice.  And where the hell did Mrs. Robinson get Ana's email address?!  Oh yes, that's right.  One of Christian's personalities gave it to her.

That little part about Christian's personalities hasn't been confirmed yet...but it might possibly soon as Mary Kay is on her way up the elevator that Fifty and Ana just had mad, passionate, monkey sex in.

I also howled in hysterics when Jack told Ana all travel had to be OKed with upper management.  Howled like nobody's business.  Oh that Christian.  He's a friggin RIOT.  I love him to pieces.  He just buys up everything so he can control everything...and when he doesn't like something - he calls the shots.  (If you want to go to New York, I'll take you this weekend.  I have a place there.  ROFLMMFAO!!!)  I know it's tremendously stalkerific and...uh...controlling...but for some reason it has a comedic effect on me.  I CANNOT stop laughing.  My husband thinks I'm insane this AM...and my sides hurt.

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Best Day Ever

SPOILER ALERT:  I think I'm still on chapter 9 in Fifty Shades Darker, y'all. 

Oh my god...the greatest things have happened today...and the day isn't even over.

Christian let Ana wipe off the lipstick in the shower.  He let her towel-dry his back.  That - to me - is the single most amazing thing that has happened in this book. Not the glider...not the car-buying...not even the blindfolded, "amaze-the-senses" fest - complete with Thomas Tallis on the iPod and mind-blowing Big-O's.  Nono - the best thing ever was the fact that he let her touch him - to an extent.  It will take some time but this big boy is gearing up for a full-on chest hair finger rake...I can feel it!

And now...NOW...she finds out all her clothes are in his closet.  HIS closet.  And her stuff is in his room.  And he wants her to SHARE that room.

Jesus woman...STOP looking a gift horse in the mouth and asking him if he's "sure" and if he misses his old ways and just GO WITH IT!!!  I am absolutely ecstatic about the changes he's made.  (OK OK I'm not stupid.  She's probably right and he'll probably want more kinky fuckery down the road...but for now, just ENJOY it, sister!)

My Latest Theory

SPOILER ALERT:  I am 6 pages in to Chapter 9 in Fifty Shades Darker.

I meant to mention this theory last night...and I can't BELIEVE what an idiot I am - if it's true - that I didn't pick up on it from the title alone.  

I think Fifty's got MPD...aka Multiple Personality Disorder.  

The first thing to tip me off was Ana telling herself he was "schitzo" when he said something (I can't recall right now).  Since I fancy myself an untrained but highly skilled amateur psychologist, I immediately said "Well that wouldn't mean he was schitzo...that would mean he has multiple personalities."  I was amused when she whipped out the laptop and ended up on a MPD site.  He seemed to be amused too though.  Hmmm. 

It then dawned on me he was extremely abused as a child...and that's the textbook candidate for multiple the child teaches him or herself to "find a happy place" whilst said abuse is taking place.  They end up compartmentalizing their brain and creating a multitude of personalities.  


The bells went off in my head - Steamboat Willie stopped whistling - and I said "Holy CRAP!  Fifty's got MPD!!!"

But then the cough syrup kicked in (Don't worry JJ - I haven't had any since the "narcotics" dream) and I forgot all about it.  . Ho - aka Mrs. Robinson - says he came over to her house and was a mess when Ana left him...and seemed pretty damned believable - to the point where I almost wanted to hang out with her until she started psychoing on poor Ana) but he said he didn't go over there that night.  At first - as Steamboat Willie whistled away (the normal state of my brain),  I just thought "Hmmm...that's strange.  Why would she lie?  She seemed pretty sincere despite her bitchiness"  But then my dumb ass ONCE AGAIN woke the hell up when he said "Not something I want to think about".  And my brain thought "he's been blocking this stuff for years.  Blocking...MPD.  BLOCKING...MPD!!!"  TRASK...RADIO!!!

THEN - I started laughing at myself because - HELLO - it's called "Fifty Shades of Grey".  And - don't get me wrong - I've marveled at the double usage of the word "grey" in the title all this time.  But I just now thought to myself "Self...wait a minute...FIFTY SHADES...HELLO?!?...It means multiple personalities!!!"

If he DOESN'T have MPD - I'll be shocked.  THAT is why he had a burning need to hit her.  And THAT is why he's afraid she'll run screaming away from him if she finds out.  And THAT is why Old Ho is offering to "fill in the gaps" and being so protective of him.  And THAT is why he doesn't understand what Old Ho means about filling in the gaps.  And finally...THAT is why he has the craziest mood swings.  Most of his personalities don't know about the others.  I'd assume the "normal" personalty knows about the others - and that's probably the dominant one (not sexually as in "dom") - but when the rest come out...look out.  The normal one probably told the sexually "dom" one to pipe down when he got back together with he wouldn't try to hit her anymore.  The normal one stood up and said "all y'all just get the fuck back" and has now taken over - which is honestly a good sign that he's on his way to merging all these personalities. 

Holy shit I am over-analyzing the shit out of this dude and I don't even know if my theory is correct.  But how can it NOT be???

OK I'm going back to reading now.  

Funnest.  Book.  Ever. 

(Is "funnest" a word?)

Laters, babies. 

Fifty Shades of ME

SPOILER ALERT: I am on Chapter 7 of Fifty Shades Darker. 

I am sitting here reading and typing thoughts as they come to my brain...

The photo of the woman on his pinboard better be of his mother.  I don't want any surprises.

WHAT is up with EuroTails?  I hate her.  I fear she is a former sub.  But he said he'd never hire a sub - so I don't know why he'd let his parents hire her.  Maybe he had a quickie with her once after she was already his employee?  Yikes.  I'm terrified for Ana to even look around a room half the time.

Dr. John Flynn is British.  (insert nervous giggles here)  Why does that make me so happy?  Why do I expect him to be hot?  He's not Christian.  But second best seems fine when it's accompanied by a British accent, no?

~~~~~WARNING:  We have now met Mrs. Robinson~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT the FUCK is going on here?  WHAT is the HUGE thing that Christian is afraid Ana is going to find out???  First - she makes the joke about "Dr. Flynn told me everything and I'm leaving" and he's in a complete panic.  THEN - that WITCH has the AUDACITY to reel her in with nice chit-chat...and then tell her she'll come after her if she hurts him again!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?!?

OH I am LIVID.  Mere words cannot EXPRESS how BEYOND angry I am at this very moment.  GOOD for Ana for telling her off because - frankly - I would have been all "I...I..." and then later on that night I'd have thought of all the good things I should have said to her.


And Christian was amused.  AMUSED!! He practically LAUGHED in Ana's FACE!

Oh my god - I need to calm down.  I need a moment.  Talk amongst yourselves.  I'll  give you a topic.  Shouty Capitals are both shouty and capitals.  DISCUSS!!!!!

Fifty Shades of Grey - NBC Video

Dear Dr. Drew,

You didn't even read the books.  I'll listen to anything anyone has to say...but not when they DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Love ya!  Mean it!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Lil' Nino

Dear Mr. Grey, 

Why do you keep referring to Ana's friend, Jose as "the boy"?  Did you all the sudden morph into a 100 year old vampire who died of Spanish Influenza?  "The boy" is 21; you are 27.  Let's get over ourselves, mmmmkayyyy? 

Your devoted servant, 
PS - I hope I have not offended you but we can discuss this further in the Red Room of Pain if you'd like. Kthxbye. 

And So It Begins...Again

SPOILER ALERT:  I'm at 3% in Fifty Shades Darker.

OH my god.  She's telling him she'll go with him to Jose's art show?!  Is she NUTS?!?  She can't be all that serious about this breakup if she's going to do that.  I mean - hell - rent a car for the night!  Take a train or a bus!  I know - arrange to BORROW the red Audi and tell him to leave the keys under the visor so you don't have to see him.  But letting him take you?  Eff it.  You're back.  WHAT a stove-toucher.  I thought you were strong!  I thought you could do this!  Five days?  NOT!  You should have let him come running back to you...and kiss your ass and beg you to come back!  Not THIS!  Don't let him do you a FAVOR that takes up so much of his time and leaves you sitting in the CAR with him for HOURS.  Ugh - I am beside myself.

Oh Jesus Christ. NOT the PLUM dress again!!! That thing has seen more wearings than Madonna's cone bra in the 80s!! Hang the thing UP, Sister!  It's been done to DEATH!

Ugh...He picks her up with TAYLOR?!?  Then WHY is he even there at ALL?? Why not let TAYLOR drive her ALONE?!  UGH this is too much for me to handle.

On his lap in the car...Charlie Tango to Portland...Bitching about her weight.  Oh now Jose is bitching about her weight.  Oh fort he love of all that's  holy - how much weight could she possibly have lost in the last FIVE DAYS?!  I'd like her secret for god's sake.

Oh dios mio.  "Just you, Anastasia".  She's the only date he's ever had.

I am smitten all over again...just like Ana.

Rosed Are Red...

Spoiler Alert:  I am on page 5 of Fifty Shades Darker.  

She's all alone in her new apartment since Kate's in Barbados.  She's numb from the breakup - and just got the roses.

I read the part about what was said on the card...put my face in my hands...and yelled "Oh my god, leave me ALONE!!!!" into my lap.

I am never going to get through this book because I have to keep sharing what's happening.  It's debilitating, yet I have no choice; I MUST DISCUSS!


Fifty Shades of "Oh Jesus Christ, Here We Go Again"

SPOILER ALERT - I am on the Prologue of Fifty Shades Darker. 

Christian's point of view! Are you shitting me?! I'm fragile right now!  This will throw me right over the edge!!  Do you know what this is doing to my soul??  I have a problem with giving people way too much benefit of way too much doubt.  I let people get away with a ton before I finally tell them to fuck off.  There's no way I can be mad at Christian when his pitifully sad boyhood is being placed in front of me like a leg of lamb on a silver platter.  (Incidentally, I loathe lamb.)  

Shit!  How am I going to deal with Ana's pain when I can't even be mad?!?

(Dramatic? Party of 1?) 

More Theories

SPOILER ALERT:  I have finished Fifty Shades of Grey and am about to start Fifty Shades Darker.

OK - another theory - could she be pregnant?  There was a bunch of non-foil packet sex going on in the last few days.  And we all know anything is possible.  Holy cow - what a twist THAT would be!!!  Can you imagine?  "Honey - can you take me out of these shackles so I can feed the baby, please?"

Thank God there is a second book for me to open today.  I don't know what I would have done if there wasn't.  Girlfriend left the car, the Blackberry and the shiny, silver, Hyperbionic MacBook (that one killed me the most) and went the hell home.  And I was cheering her on the entire time.  When she said "You need to get your shit together, Grey" I almost jumped through the book and hugged her.

Tell me you could not feel everything she was going through?!  We've all been there.  You know someone is bad for you in whatever way - but you absolutely love being with them...and you just have to get up and walk away.  It's truly one of the hardest things to do.  You walk away and feel worse than you did while you were there.  But you know being in that relationship is so wrong and so dysfunctional and in order to love yourself, you have to try to stop loving someone else...(not that you ever do.)

And not that that's ever happened to me before.  (whistles...looks at the sky)

Anywhoo...the whole situation killed me...because I wanted to slap both of them.  I wanted to slap Ana because things were going so well...and Christian was coming along nicely.  He said they didn't have to sign a contract (which, I don't know about you, but I found to be a HUGE step for him)...he called her his girlfriend...he said they'd sleep together...I mean, SHIT...things were panning out well for them.  And Ana kept pushing...and asking all the right questions at the VERY worst times.  (You're going to bring up Jose's art show in the shower, right after mind-blowing sex?  Really?  I'm sorry...are you an idiot?!?)

DON'T get me wrong - I totally understand and agree with her need for answers.  I guess I'm just old enough to know there is a way to handle things...and that you should be patient and let him fall in love with you.  I thought he was doing a stellar job.

As for Christian - my god, man - just fucking stop HITTING her.  WHY do you have to do this?  He said the answer would make her run screaming from the apartment.  Well - sister girl didn't scream - but she did get the heck out of dodge.  So what's the damned difference, man?  TELL her what the fuck is UP.  Give her a chance; she might surprise you.

That said...I can't WAIT to find out what his reason is.  I mean - duh - he was abused as a kid (I can't talk about that; it will make me cry.) But is there something else? Something I don't know about?

Oh and Christian?  STOP sticking up for Mary Kay LeTourneau, Mmmmm Kayyyy?  Elena (gag) is a C-H-I-L-D M-O-L-E-S-T-E-R.  Wake up and REALIZE that she FUCKED YOU UP as much as you CRACK WHORE MOTHER...just in different ways.

Although maybe thank her for the flogging lessons.  They seem to be kindof helpful. ;)

OK off to read Part Deux.  Wish me luck and meet me back here later today, y'all!