Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Theories

SPOILER ALERT:  I have six pages left in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Six pages.  That's all.  He just belted her - and I am mad.  And so is she.  And before I finish, I MUST type out my theories of what's going to happen from here.

1 - Soft theory: He owns the company she's going to be working for.  Or worse yet...Elena (gag) does.  (No offense to all your Elena's out there...but that name has solicited annoyance from me ever since about episode 1 of Vampire Diaries.  "Stefannnnn".  God, that woman can whine.)

2 - Hard theory: Christian is going to jail.  When Ana got back from Georgia, she walked in and he was saying "No trace".  So of course I think "Uh ohhhh...what has Mr. Perfect's company done that's not so perfect?"

I have to admit - I compare to Twilight.  And Outlander.  And The Bronze Horseman.  Why?  Because each of their authors used a basic, simple formula.  Boy meets girl.  Boy loves girl.  Boy leaves girl.  Boy comes back to girl.

So.  That's where I am.  That's what's in my brain.  I must go finish because a) I'm dyin' ovah heah...and b) it's almost midnight on a Wednesday and 6:30 AM comes awfully fast.

Wish me luck!  I'll see you tomorrow for Round 2!!!

PS - Tied to the bed in the RRofP with the flogger and the iPod?  Holy HELL that was erotic!

And Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

SPOILER ALERT:  I am on the last page of chapter 22. 

And I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

YES, I'M USING SHOUTY CAPITALS!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS:

OH my god - I can't even turn the page. I can't even LOOK! He's THERE?! Or does he have a spy watching her??  Either way - that's a CREEPFEST!

And my obviously horribly dysfunctional ass LOVES IT!!!!!!!



OMG I don't even know what to DO!!!

Should I LOOK??

I CAN'T!!!

And PS - I would be flipping OUT over Mrs. Robinson right now.  AND over the fact that he got jealous about the massage dude and made the dinner plans on purpose.

Ana doesn't have the first clue about how dark he really is.  This guy is a nutjob of epic proportions.  HOW can I possibly love him so?  Oh it's so awful.  This book makes you realize that everything you thought about your sensibilities is a lie.  Because you know he's a freak...SHE knows he's a freak...and yet you're/she's/I'm/Santa Claus's willing to jump right back into the Red Room of Pain with him.

Is there no hope for ANY of us?!?

Help.

My Fifty Shades Playlists



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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

SPOILER ALERT:  I am starting chapter 21 in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

OMG where to start.  I can't even concentrate.  I feel like I just had mad, shiny silver ball sex with Christian and am too tired to think.  And don't get me started on my just-fucked hair.

(LOL H/JJ/C - I know you're all about the giggles right now.)

Dinner.  They went to DINNER at the Grey's.  And it was fan-effing-TASTIC.  I was a little nervous...until Alice Mia came barreling in and grabbed my Ana's hand.  Then it was a little easier to breathe.  Until Christian started getting all pissy with me Ana after Kate's comment about Jose.  What the hell?  On the one hand - I was mad.  And on the other, I wanted to jump up, climb over the table and hug Kate (after telling Emmett Eliot to get his hand out of her lap and finish his beef and parsnips.  Even better than the good stuff from Port Angeles!)  It was a rockin' thing to say.  I like keeping Christian on his damned toes.  Watch out, boyfriend...Ana could leave at any time.  The contract isn't signed.

So anywhoo...holy SHIT - the (pigtailed, European) maid!  What was up with her?!?  OMG I'm terrified she's one of the 15.  Clearly she wants to be.  But...I dunno.  Would he be so stupid as to take up with an employee of Esme Grace and Carlisle Carrick? (LOVE his name, btw.)  Or did he get her the job during or after they stopped their little get togethers in the Redroom?

See how my mind wanders?? I've invented an entire relationship. Meanwhile - maybe they've never even SEEN each other before.

And let me tell you what else is looming over my fuzzy head:  Mrs. Robinson.  Oh shit, am I terrified of THAT encounter.  And I know it's coming.  Maybe not now, in Book 1...but lordy be, I know it's-a-comin'.  And I feel the winds of change blowin' in my face and they're saying "Carol...run for the hills" because Ana's poor little innocent head is going to 'splode into a zillion pieces.  She is going to be SO upset, she's going to need someone to rock her on their lap and say "You is kind...you is smart...you is important."  Mmmm hmmm.  That shit is going to blow the fuck up and I can't WAIT until it does.

For some reason, I like seeing Christian suffer.  Isn't that terrible?    Especially when she described him as a scared little 4 year old.  HOW can I want to see this poor, fucked up man suffer?  But I think it just means I want to see him be submissive once in a while.

UGH! This book is a fucking contradiction at every page turn!  It's DELECTABLE!

SHOUTY CAPS!!!!!!!!!


The Chauffeur

Can't get this song/video out of my head today.  Wonder why.

(Be warned:  Slight nudity!)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Hangin' on the Telephone

SPOILER ALERT:  I'm on chapter 17 in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Holy SHIT!  They did NOT just play "You hang up" on the friggin telephone.  They did not.  They didn't.

BUT THEY DID!  And it was marvelous!  And glorious!  Fuck Twilight!  This book is candy-covered crack for the soul!!!!

OK admittedly...I was a little freaked when he spanked her.  Not because of the pain...but because of the humility.  I don't do humiliation well and don't know that I ever could have made it through that.  The "lie down over my knee" part was bad enough.  But then it went on and on and on (kindof like my annoying posts when I'm flabbergasted at something Christian has said or done.)

So I'm all excited after he showed up at her apartment when she sent him the "I wish you would stay" email (don't quote me.)  I mean, seriously...how friggin knight in shining armour is this guy when he wants to be?!?  When he was just standing in her doorway?  Ugh - I could have melted right there.

And then he goes and spanks her.  And that's when I got all "ohhhh noooo...I thought I loved this book but I don't know if I can deal with this."

And then, boyfriend COMES THE FUCK BACK to her house when he reads her email!  And Kate is yelling at him in the other room...and all I can think is "GO KATE" when she says something like "She's been crying constantly since the day she met you".  THAT RULED!  Because he needs to know!  And he even told her that, himself.  And then that gorgeous piece of ass SPENT THE NIGHT.  The second he put his Blackberry down and took off his watch, I was beside myself.

And then she wakes up and he's clinging to her like the little boy he truly is inside.  I can't WAIT to find out more about why he's the way he is.

Two observations:

1 - Clearly E.L. James is taking us ever-so-slowly into Christian's crazy world of BDSM...much the same way he is easing Ana into it.  She makes him spank...she makes him stay the night.  And I loved it.  I guess I needed easing.  Who knew.

2 - Ana is the one with the control in this relationship.  It's so obvious.  She (passively-aggressively) says "jump" and he says "how high?"

And there is something - right there - that I've been working out in my brain with this book.  The whole passive side of Ana.  NOT that she's passive-agressive as a person - but Christian leaves her no choice but to be that way in this relationship.  Let's just say I have a few passive agressive people in my own life...so I get her way of thinking.

OK off to read.  I just had one of those "OH NO SHE DI'NT moments and had to share. :)

Monday, February 27, 2012

Fifty Shades of Hilarious

SPOILER ALERT:  I am on chapter 14 in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

I am never going to finish this book.  Why?  Because I spend half my time laughing my ass off at things she says and feeling this incessant need to blog.  I swear to god, this is one of THE funniest books I have ever read.  What a sense of humor!!  And she's so self-deprecating; I feel like I'm listening to myself.  I feel like I have a twin and I'm reading her diary.  It's all new...but it's not...because we're on the same wavelength.

Let me share with you some of the little tidbits that have made me laugh my ass off (in the school parking lot of all places):

"Yes, the Beetle used to belong to his mother."
"Yes, and probably her mother and her mother before her."

"Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian"

"I didn't know I could dream sex.  Was it something I ate?"

"Wow.  Control freakery gone mad."

"Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley...Oh my."

"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

Just hilarious.  I have to go read more while I have a few minutes.  DAMN where is a deserted island (and an Adirondack chair and a frozen margarita and some chips) when I need one!!!!

Absolutely Hysterical

Spoiler alert - I'm on Chapter 14 in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

She told the girl next to her at graduation that he's gay!!  ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!

YOU GO, GIRL!

Spoiler Alert - don't read unless you've read up until Chapter Fourteen in Fifty Shades of Grey. 

OH MY GOD!  SHOUTY CAPITALS INDEED!  I have been screaming "You GO girl!" at various pages in chapter 13.  I am so proud of Ana right now!  She got up and left!  Christian was all hot and bothered and she LEFT!  I don't know that I would have been able to do that...even though I was feeling what she was feeling the entire time. 

This book makes you struggle with your own psyche.  I've been wondering "Wow...I think I would say "no" to this stupid contract.  Does that make me a prude?"  But NO!  It does NOT make me a prude!  It means I have INTEGRITY and have no desire to answer to a man - any man.  It has nothing to do with sex!  NOTHING!  

If this fool would just wake up and realize he could have a normal, loving relationship and could also have some serious kink along with it...things would be great.  WHY is he putting her through this? 

"I don't know any other way, Anastasia.  This is who I am." 

I kept thinking "well this is who SHE is.  Compromise!  And damn if girlfriend didn't utter those exact words at the end of the chapter. 

"I am not a merger.  I am not an acquisition."  

HOLY CRAP.  That is one of the greatest lines I've EVER read!  I love it so much, I made it my Facebook status. 

And the dumbass drove the point HOME when he gave her a hard time about her car.  He made it wickedly easy for her to walk away.  Granted - she has no idea what she's going to do...but she knows it's not going to be his way or the highway...and I can live with that. 

SHOUTY CAPS

There comes a point where you stumble upon a line in a book and laugh your damned ass off because you realize the origin of the quote your Fifty Mentors have been saying for weeks:

"Oh...shouty capitals!" 


Die.  Ing.

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you've hit page 146 in Fifty Shades of Fucked Up Grey


You know what's pissing me off?  Christian's mother's friend totally fucked him up in the head about relationships...

So WHY does he want to take sweet, innocent Anastasia and fuck her up as well?!?  That is something I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around.  He obviously cares for her.  At some point, doesn't he stop and say "I can't do this to this girl".

And sure - you can say "well he doesn't think his lifestyle is fucked up".  But deep down, I think he does.  Don't get me wrong...a little hot wax never hurt anyone.  :)  But to want someone to be your slave for three days out of the week - in or out of the bedroom?  That's fucked up.

OK I'll shut up now.  Major reading today.  Stay tuned...

The Thing Called Love

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you've hit page 146 in Fifty Shades of Grey

I can't get this book out of my head.  I wasn't able to read all day yesterday and the thoughts came pouring in.

The last thing I read was Christian saying goodbye to Ana after he showed up in her bedroom, unannounced, and ravaged her.  (I loved "Is this NICE?!")  And in the middle of kissing her, he got obviously contemplative...and flipped on his "tender" switch...and said (yet again) "What are you doing to me?"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks:

He's struggling more than her!  As hard as it is for her to make the big decision...and stumble into this new, crazy adventure with him...it's even harder for him because he's terrified of actually being in love.  And that's what's happening.  He loves her!  Why else would be come-a-runnin' when he thought she was saying "No"??

In FACT...girlfriend should just say "no"!  He's in way too deep now.  He can't be without her.  Hell - I'd rip up the contract in front of his face, tell him I'll look him in the eye any damned time I want and say "now give me another tour of that red room...you know...for shits and giggles.  Well, maybe just giggles."   DOH!

Seriously though...this book really brings up a lot of feeling inside and makes you take a long, hard look at the dark thoughts that might be lurking inside your brain.  What you find acceptable...what society finds acceptable...it's like a big mash-up of right vs. wrong.  I keep thinking this would be a fantastic discussion book for a book club or library meet up.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Today, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be discussing S&M, falling in love and what people really do with those anal beads. ;)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Bring on the Crazy

OK so I'm ALL KINDS OF KEYED UP over this book.  The night before last, I told C, H and JJ (just in case they don't want to be known today <g>) that I had taken prescription cough meds and had a hard time staying awake to read.  Last night was no different.  Except it was.  Because - for some reason - last night, the meds only halfway did their job.  I'm laying in bed...emailing C/H/JJ with my left thumb from my sideways iPad...and all the sudden my limbs start to feel heavy.  And I put the iPad away...only to lay there, physically comatose and mentally WIRED and not able to sleep.  And I'm worrying "Oh no..what did that cough syrup DO to me?!"  I'm barely able to move but my mind is a moving blur complete with a crazy, psycho, Gilligan's Island-esque dream sequence.  It was a freak show of epic proportions.  I'm hearing Christian saying "is this NICE?!"...I'm seeing lots of colors swirling around...Ana is tied to her bed...and JJ's head (which I've never seen), swirling around in circles saying "narcotics...narcotics..."

Needless to say...AVOID the hydrocodone at all costs, y'all!  I don't CARE if they mix it with the 'Tussin!

OK so where am I?  Pretty much where my dream left off.  Girlfriend sent her snide-assed email to Christian, saying something like "did the research...it was nice knowing you".  The minute her index finger hit "enter" I thought "ohhhhh nooooo...boyfriend is NOT going to like THAT one BIT mmmm hmmmm.  No. He. Is. Not."

So there she is...waiting for an answer...packing up her room...and all the sudden, there he is...Christian...IN her room.  Holy crap, that was one of THE yummiest things I have ever read in my enTIRE life.  Christian...just standing in the doorway, rolling his keys (to one of his fanTAStic cars) around in his fingers.

Now...without getting into the next couple hours ('cuz we all know exactly what went down and it was scrumpdillyicious)...I want to talk about what's going on in my brain right now.

WHAT a question.  Will she?  Or won't she?  Thank GOD she finally realized she should be neGOtiating with him about things.  Ain't no way - NO how - I'd be able to NOT look that gorgeous man in the eyes until I was told to do so.  Mmm mmm...ain't go' happen.  And don't touch him ever?  Again - :::buzzer sound:::  FORGET about it, Jack...I ain't doin' it.

So now I'm at this DELCIOUS stage where I have to wait and see.  And we have more domestic crap going on today than I know what to do with.  7 year old birthday party...entertain 9 year old during the aforementioned party...cub scout dinner from 4-6 and an Oscar party at my neighbors that starts at 5.  Clearly I'll be late.

BUT - I WILL read.  This will definitely be a day where I take the iPad in the car with me.  (Hub's driving; relax. LOL!)  Or will I?  I don't want to stumble upon anything really juicy with my kids in the car.  That would be kindof...gross.  And I'm headed into S&M land...so maybe I'll read that shiz when I'm alone.  Mmm hmm.  Better leave that for a few hours.

Simply said: More to come.  Pun intended. Giggle.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Holy Crap

I wasn't going to blog about this book.  Oh lord, I wanted to.  Needed to.  But I tried to be firm and ignore the yearning inside my very being.

It didn't work.

Just when I convinced myself to sit and read and enjoy the hell out of this book just like every other normal human, he sent her the laptop.  The Apple laptop.  The MacBook Pro.  "Sleek and silver and rather beautiful".  Just like...mine.

I took it as a sign...and here I am.

Get ready.